Rambling Yogi

Tag: authenticity

  • There will be days like this

    There will be days like this

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    There are days where the pain hits me so hard I could almost choke on it. A song will come on the radio that reminds me of my dad and I’m gone – tears are immediately rolling down my face, I can hardly breathe and I find myself doing that loud childlike crying. In the privacy of my car it’s a good release, it helps me to bit by bit comprehend what happened.

    While my brain knows full well what happened, it’s taking my heart a while to catch up, that was until a couple of weeks ago. It was a good girlfriends wedding and the first wedding I’ve been to since I lost my dad. I really hadn’t even contemplated it being a hard day emotionally for me, I was so excited for my girlfriend.

    It started in the church that sinking feeling, the lump in the back of my throat, the first realisation that my dad will never walk me down the aisle, we’ll never share that final smile that says here we go as the doors open. My mind started going to a thousand places but I have quickly reeled it back in not wanting to take away from her amazing day.

    For the next few hours of the night I managed to drop back into normal mode, enjoying the champagne and hanging out with some of my best friends. But then the father of the bride and the father of the groom both got up to do speeches. There was so much in their speeches that I know my dad would have said. All the things that I was going to miss having him around for began to flood in and my heart started to grasp the reality of not having him here.

    My girlfriends took me outside and I let myself cry a little more but not wanting to be so miserable at such a joyous occasion I forced myself to push my feelings back down and went back to an old coping mechanism for numbing. I began to drink a hell of a lot more. I did such a good job of excessive drinking that everything after 9:30pm is completely gone for me; I was proper blackout drunk.

    The next morning, I woke up on a girlfriend’s couch because I’d been too drunk to get my own way home. Not only was I feeling devastated about my dad but I hated myself for having gotten so drunk.  I hated that there was so much of the night that I would never remember and more so I hated that I’d slipped back into something that I’ve worked so hard to stop.

    There was a time in my friendship group I felt like I was the drunk, the liability, the person you couldn’t trust to just have a few drinks. On the outside I played up to the party girl persona but on the inside I hated myself. It became a self-perpetuating cycle; the more I had these completely out of control nights the more I hated myself, the more I hated myself the more I wanted to get blind drunk so that I could disappear and not face myself. It wasn’t pretty and it took my dad getting sick and hitting rock bottom to really force myself out of the pattern.

    For the next few days I hardly slept. I found myself constantly tossing and turning, anxious and upset. I hated the idea of having to really face any of it, it felt too painful to willingly sit with and so I continued with my regular routine and simply hoped that everything would just settle back down in a couple of days.

    To a certain extent it did settle down a little, I stopped feeling like I was going to burst into tears at my computer but it still sat just below the surface and began to manifest itself in different ways. I found myself less able to cope with life, more easily stressed by work, more emotionally reactive to people and quite scattered in general. Still I persevered through the mess not wanting to acknowledge that perhaps I needed to unpack what the wedding had brought up for me.

    But you can only let things sit below the surface for so long before something gives. I thankfully already had a session booked with my psychologist and when I found myself crying on the way there I knew I was in for a tough session. We talked at length about what had happened that night and how I felt. She asked how my dad would have felt about my wedding day would he have been excited? What might he have said in his speeches? Just thinking about it was heartbreaking not only from my perspective of not having him there but also from his perspective. I hate that he doesn’t get to be there, that he doesn’t get to be part of something that I know he would have loved.

    I was finding it hard to answer her questions honestly because the answers felt so painful then she asked me if my dad was excited about having grandchildren one day. I could hardly speak, the thought of him missing out on that part of my life hurt more than anything else. He loved children and was beyond excited about future grandchildren. He would often talk about the things he planned to do with my future children. In that moment my heart broke for him and his dreams that he will never get to live out in this life.

    As I was finding hard to speak my psychologist suggested that I journal about how I felt. She asked me to fully explore what I expected these major milestones to look like with my dad, to go into detail about the part I envisaged him playing and also come up with ways that I could still include him in the future. She suggested that maybe on my wedding day I might like to keep a seat reserved for my dad, acknowledging this presence in a different way and I have to say I really loved that idea. She told me that it would be hard and would bring up a lot of tough emotions but I needed to give myself the time and space to let that pain come out. I agreed that journaling about it sounded like a good idea but when I got home I just felt so emotionally exhausted that I decided that I really couldn’t deal with anything more right now.

    Then the stomach pain started – really severe stabbing abdominal pain that would almost stop me in my tracks. After a week of relentless pain, I went to my GP who cleared me of anything serious and gave no real other explanation expect that sometimes this happens and if it’s still happening in a week come back. I’m a strong believer in emotional issues being connected to physical issues in your body and after that GP visit with no other real explanation I decided that the pain in my gut was perhaps about what I wasn’t emotionally digesting.

    As much as it hurt there was a feeling of disentanglement as I slowly loosened my grip on my shattered dreams. At first I was hardly able to get a sentence down before I fell apart but then slowly as I began to let myself soften into the pain I was able to read back over things and find a sense of peace. I was slowly letting go of the attachment to what I thought my life would be. It won’t ever be what I thought it would be and no one will ever take his place but it will be wonderful in its own way and that I am sure of.

    And as for my stomach the next day it felt about 80% better and it’s almost back to completely normal, you can draw your own conclusions from that…

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    I thought a lot about not publishing this post. Part of me worried about how people would take the honest account of my pain. My initial thought was that I don’t want people to feeling sorry for me and that is the old person who thought that strength was about putting on a brave face for everyone, sucking it up and moving on. But really strength is about vulnerability it’s about being real, talking about the struggle and owning your story. So I give my story a voice here in the hope that it provides a source of strength for others as I believe we are all made stronger by sharing our truth.

    Love and Blessings

    xx

  • Lessons of 2015

    Lessons of 2015

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    With great challenges come great lessons. While this year has been one the most heart breaking and challenging periods in my life thus far I can honestly say that I have also never felt more alive, capable and on purpose.

    I want to share my big lessons from this year in the hope that they enrich your life in some way.

     

    1. Let go of all the ways you thought life would unfold. Letting go of the plans and expectations you hold for your future is extremely liberating and allows you in live in flow with the universe. I realised the more I agonised over the loss of the future I had always dreamed of the harder life was to stomach. I had never even imagined a life where my dad wouldn’t be around to simply talk to and one day walk me down the aisle. Letting go isn’t a simple little choice you just make one day and then you’re done. It takes self awareness and consistent choice. When you begin to let go and allow things to just be as they are you’ll be blown away by the possibility that stands before you. Sometimes things better than your wildest dreams can just show up but you have to be open to the possibility that you don’t always know where life is taking you. You can fight that and try and control things or you can dance through the journey…the choice is always yours.
    2. Don’t fight with hard emotions. When you’re sad and you go into overdrive trying to shake it off and make yourself happy again you can wind up doing more harm than good. I never really realised until this year how much I truly loathed feeling sad. We’re all probably guilty of trying to numb or suppress undesirable emotions from time to time but doing it repeatedly not only means that you’re living an inauthentic life but it also dulls down all the good stuff. You can’t selectively numb emotions. When you let yourself experience sadness and pain the happiness and joy in your life also intensify. Allowing yourself to really sit with and feel your emotions grows your ability to experience the full spectrum of human emotions.
    3. Don’t get addicted to emotions. This is a follow on from my last point, while you should always let yourself feel what you need to, you also want to have enough self awareness to discern when you’re dropping a little too deep into an emotion or spending a little too much time there. I talk about this mainly in relation to pain and sadness but know that excessive emotion of any kind can be damaging to your body. It’s important to honour how you feel but you don’t want it to consume your life. Know the people, places and things that bring joy to your life, that make you laugh, balance and ground you, restore your calm and heal your heart.
    4. Don’t compare the beginning of your journey to some else’s middle. When I first lost my dad I’d often to talk to people who had been through a major loss and I’d find myself getting jealous of how well they were doing. There were times where I got insanely frustrated and felt like it wasn’t fair that I had to go through all of this, why couldn’t I just get back to good. It wasn’t until I got comfortable with pain and sadness that I began to realise how much I had to learn. Don’t cop out on the lessons in the challenges. As much as possible try and live in your own life and embrace your precious journey.
    5. Slow Down! Time will pass regardless of what you choose to do with it so don’t be in such a rush to get everything done yesterday. You never know when your time is up so be micro ambitious. Care more about short term goals and the everyday things. The only time you have to be alive is in each moment so live for your moments and enjoy each breath. And if you find that you’re living for future goals and wishing away your days I hope you find the courage to make some changes and take back your life.
    6. Know your worth. When I started telling myself “I am enough” each day I was amazed by all the things that came up. I was able to really clearly see all the areas that I didn’t believe I was enough and that awareness began to create a shift in my thinking. The stories I’d been subconsciously telling myself about my shortcomings we’re getting replaced with this new story that I am enough. All the crazy expectations that I pushed on myself in a bid to reach some dreamed up ideal fell away.  I began to believe that I don’t need more in order to be my best self…I was already there. I can’t even begin to tell you how much easier life got.
    7. Get help when you need it and don’t be too proud to accept it when it’s offered. I’ve never been overly brilliant at asking for help or accepting help when it’s offered but I’m so glad that all of that has changed. I knew this year that old habits and ways of coping were just not going to cut it. Accepting and asking for help from family and friends made me feeling so supported and really reassured me that I was going to be okay.  Getting professional help made me feel a bit sick at first but it was truly one of the best things I’ve ever done. There were sessions where I felt like I was making heaps of progress and then there were sessions that felt a bit pointless but it’s all contributed to bringing me into an amazing space.
    8. Make it happen; sort it out. All those things you’ve been putting off – the hard conversations, the mess and clutter, the mile long to do list – just do them. Previously I’ve been a pretty big fan of sticking my head in the sand when things have felt a little too difficult, unpleasant or overwhelming. All the things that I knew I should deal with would buzz around in the back of my brain creating a mild anxiety that I could usually balance out with a bit of yoga and meditation. But when I lost my dad I realised that I just didn’t have the capacity to carry the mild anxiety that lingered in the back of mind and I started to learn to deal with things. It didn’t just happen over night but like learning any new skill bit by bit I got better and better at dealing with things when they came up. I slowly stopped letting things run out for weeks and started taking action.  It feels absolutely brilliant to live in such a bold way.

     

    Take the time to figure out what your challenges have to tell you about yourself and find the lessons hiding in your experiences. You hold the answer to all of your questions you simply have to look within.

     

    Love and Blessings

     

    xx

     

     

     

  • Learning to Live

    Learning to Live

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    When my dad first passed away a number of people who had lost loved ones told me that you never really get over your loss. At the time it felt like I was being told that I was never going to be okay again, that somehow I was now broken beyond repair and I truly hated hearing it. Over the past few months I’ve been pushing myself to maintain my usual routine, believing that if I just kept pushing through I would somehow come out the other side. But the real truth is there is no other side to grief, it’s not finite, it’s not a linear path or a journey to a light at the end of a tunnel. It changes with you and it comes in and out like waves rolling onto the shore. After much soul searching I can finally say that I’m okay with that. I’m okay with no specific end to my grief and I’m comfortable with my pain.

     

    It’s been a long journey to get to that point.  I went through what seemed like a really good period where I felt almost weirdly together and at peace with everything. Looking back now I’d say it was a pretty heavy case of denial. Then the reality of how much I had lost started to set in. I found myself reduced to a crying mess day after day and I began to get really frustrated. I could cope with bits of sadness here and there but being upset every single day really started to take its toll.

     

    Desperate to find some reprieve from the constant crying and sadness I  began to hunt for a fix. I decided that I must be out of balance and so I went to my list of self care activities. I went through all the possibilities in my head: maybe I need to practice more yoga or run more or just get more sleep or perhaps regular massages are the answer…everyone loves a good massage. Now while self care is extremely important to good health it really doesn’t work if you’re using it to try and numb unwanted emotions. You see the problem with numbing is that you can’t selectively numb emotions. Just like yin and yang all of our emotions are interconnected and you can’t numb sadness without numbing happiness just like you can’t really appreciate light unless you have known darkness.

     

    At this point I hadn’t recognised just how much I was trying to avoid my pain. I confided in a good friend that I’d been crying and feeling down every day and that I didn’t know what to do to pull myself out of it. I was desperate for some sort of advice on how to make it stop. What I got instead was raw heartfelt honesty, he told me that I’d just been through one of the most significant and testing periods in my life to date and I can’t expect to just bounce back out of it and think I’ll cope. His words cut me to my core, I was immediately reduced to tears and could hardly breathe. This was the first moment that I realised just how badly I wanted to bounce back and return to something familiar.  At the time I felt so defeated and a big part of me wanted to argue that I could bounce back I just needed to do A, B and C. But instead of getting defensive and at least talking about how I felt, I did what many before me have done and internalised my feelings. I took the argument inside my head.

     

    Still desperate and believing that I could find a way out of my pain I began to go through all the things I was doing in my life that were perhaps too much for me. The list I came up with was pretty much everything and that sent me into a total tail spin. The thought of having to pull back from everything in order to be okay made me feel stressed and anxious. Note to self – Internal problem solving while overwhelmed is not the best idea. So I then found myself in a sad, crying, stressed and anxious mess and it was time to see my psychologist.

     

    At this point I’d been seeing my psychologist for a little over two months and I’d never let myself cry in front of her. And yes I know that it’s crazy to not let yourself cry in front of someone who’s there to help you work through your pain but I’m working on the whole vulnerability thing. In contrast to pervious sessions, this session I was a blubbering mess. I told her how I felt like I’d come such a long way; I’d made peace with all the painful circumstances surrounding my dad’s death, I’d let go of my fixation on better understanding his cause of death and I even felt untroubled by this death being under investigation and yet despite all of this I felt like I’d reached an all time low.

     

    With tears running down my face I went on to tell her my idea about needing to pulling from pretty much everything. The next few things she told me really shifted the way I was seeing things. Firstly she pointed out that part of the reason that I was feeling so frustrated was because I’d been through a good phase and this down phase felt like a step backwards. Because it felt like a step backwards I was then looking for a fix it in order to get back to good again. Secondly she spoke about the necessary role that tears and sadness play in healing. And thirdly she also told me that I didn’t need to stop doing things just because I was feeling down but if I did decide to scale back anything that I’m doing I should change the language that I’m using. She said that saying I “need” to do this because I’m not okay was making me feel like I had no choice in the matter. Instead I could rephrase to I am “choosing” to do this to give myself time and space. It was such a simple rephrase but it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

     

    I walked away from that session with a new sense of calm. Over the next few days I still found myself randomly crying every day but I wasn’t as troubled by my sadness. Then another bit awesome wisdom came in the form of a YouTube clip by Marisa Peer called You can be enough.  In this clip Marisa instructs her audience to set two reminders in their phones one for every morning and one for every evening. The reminder is to tell yourself “I am enough”. She also suggested to write it on a mirror that you see each day to really drive the message home. I decided to give it a go for a week and I was amazed by the things that began to happen. The biggest thing that came from it was letting go of many of the unfair expectations I put on myself. Letting go of some of the expectations I held for myself meant that I began to feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin and I was able to really accept where I was in my grief journey.

     

    I can now see that all the time and energy that I put into fighting with my pain was actually time and energy put into my own suffering. Pain and grief are unavoidable parts of life that hold enormous potential for growth and learning. The same cannot be said for suffering. We make ourselves suffer when we wish for a reality other than our own.

     

    Self acceptance has been huge in getting comfortable with pain. Showing up for myself and truly embracing who I am right now and how I feel in each moment has allowed me to detach from this idea of needing to be okay. What the hell does okay even mean anyway! We’re never in a fixed state where everything comes together perfectly and stays that way. Things are constantly coming together then falling apart, it’s the nature of life.

     

    With my new found self acceptance I found myself able to make decisions that really honour what I need from myself right now. I stopped forcing myself to push through things and I was able to discern what was making my life harder than it needed to be.

     

    The one thing that stood out to me was my Chinese medicine course. When my dad first passed away I was in my first trimester of my course. I was determined to not fall in a heap and pushed myself really hard to get all of my assignments done to a high standard and in on time and I did well in all of my exams. This current trimester has been a very different experience. I would sit at home listening to lectures on the physiology of the heart and lungs and relate every last bit back to what was going on with my dad. After a few weeks of continually relating most class content to my dad I became emotionally exhausted and began to disengage with the content to protect myself. I went from being a student that got great marks to being a student that was just scraping through. Acknowledging that I wasn’t doing that course justice, that I couldn’t expect anything more from myself and that I needed some time out to heal wasn’t easy. But as soon as I made the choice I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders and I knew I had made the right decision.

     

    We often get so caught up in chasing these long term goals we set for ourselves – finishing a degree, saving for a house, working towards a promotion – that we don’t pay attention to how we’re actually experiencing life on a daily basis. I don’t know where this great urgency comes from that makes us feel like we must be in a certain place by a certain age but there’s a huge amount of harm in the hurry.

     

    While I would give anything to have my dad back I can truly say that I’m grateful for just how much I’ve learnt and become aware of over the past few months. I consider his passing my wake up call. A reminder that you never really know how long you’ve got so don’t get so caught up in the pursuit of long term goals that you forget that you’re only really living right now, don’t try and avoid hard feelings they hold invaluable lessons for you and most importantly know that you are always enough, so make sure that you turn up for yourself, back yourself and know that whatever life bring to you….

    You got this

    With love and blessings
    xxx
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  • The Puzzle of Life

    The Puzzle of Life

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    One night I woke up at 2am struck with an idea about life and how it all fits together. Being only half awake I wasn’t sure if it was brilliant or just pain silly but I wrote it down all the same and drifted off back to sleep. In the morning I came back to it and started testing it for flaws and to my delight it held up pretty well. That was several months ago and since then what have I done with this idea? Pretty much nothing! I’ve just sat on it.

    Why have I not shared what I originally through was a pretty damn good idea? Well I still thought it was a good idea, that hadn’t changed but I was making excuses that pushed it back. I was telling myself that I was saving it for a really good blog post and that I didn’t want to write it until I had the time to do it justice but on reflection I think I was just afraid of putting it out there.

    So what prompted me to share now. Last Friday night I went to an awesome workshop run by InsideOut, at the start of the workshop founder Campbell Butterss shared this vision of how life can get small and messy. I thought it was brilliant and I also saw a lot of my own vision in his. That was the start of stepping towards sharing. Later in the workshop one of the facilitators Miroslav Petrovic took me to a place where I had to sit with and breath through the story I regularly tell myself about not being good enough. To sit with all the harsh expectations I put on myself and to breathe into the emotions and the tightness in my chest was invaluable for me. In going into the feelings behind the story I was able to loosen its grip and step through a place of fear.

    After my three paragraph introduction it might seem like what I’ve got to share is pretty huge. The truth is it isn’t really that profound, but I wanted to be real about how much I’d built it up to be a big deal in my head in the hope that people are inspired to share their struggles and break through their fear. And maybe just maybe the journey of sharing holds a bigger message than my idea ever did.

    Now finally to this idea about life; so I was looking for a way to explain how I’d experienced figuring out who I am at my core and how I had detangled a lot of the rubbish that blocked me from knowing my true self. This is how I see it:

    When you’re born you have a few key puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly and that’s who you are in your truest purist form. As you go through life and have experiences you begin to pick up new puzzle pieces. Some of these pieces belong to you; fitting well with your original puzzle pieces and others really aren’t your puzzle pieces at all, they’re often pieces that others have pushed on you and led you to believe are part of who you are. These puzzle pieces that don’t belong begin to cause a lot of problems. You see we’re always trying to complete our puzzles and when something doesn’t fit what do we do? We pull apart the whole puzzle and try and make it work thinking that maybe there was something wrong in the core puzzle and if we do a little rearranging we should be able to make it work. There in lies the mess.

    Over the years we can collect so much rubbish along with our true stuff that it can turn into one big fat epic mess. While some lucky humans naturally get better at discerning what’s theirs most of us get to some point where we end up questioning why we’re unhappy, unfulfilled and struggling with elements of our lives.

    So then how do you then begin to sort out what pieces you need in your puzzle and what pieces just make life harder. Let me start by saying brilliant puzzles take time and dedication there’s no quick and easy fix but it can definitely be worked through. It becomes a matter of figuring out when you picked up certain puzzle pieces then deciding what needs to stay and what needs to go. When that puzzle gets a little less messy and you begin to really be able to see who you are, let me just say that life gets awesome!

    For me journaling, reading all sorts of self help books, my yoga teacher training and working with some psychologists really helped to trace back to when I started having certain limiting beliefs about myself and forming certain views of the world. I think this process of building the picture of who we are is always a work in progress and it’s evolving nature is part of the magic of life.

    If the puzzle was perfect and finished what more would there be to do.

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    Enjoy the journey, laugh at the confusion, breathe into the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.

    xx

  • 30 Days of Kindness – my journey

    30 Days of Kindness – my journey

    The biggest thing that came out of me doing my 30 day kindness challenge was probably the change in how I define kindness. When I set out to do my 30 day challenge I wrote out a list of nice things I could do for myself which included things like massages, flowers, yoga and other self care bits and bobs. And that was really how I was defining kindness; nice things that I could do for myself.

    I didn’t want to completely plan what I would do each day because I wanted each day to be about what I needed on that day. I started by picking random things off the list but after a few days the list went out the door and each morning I would simply ask myself what do you need today? And with that question each day my understanding of kindness evolved.

    One morning I found myself deliberating over if something was an act of kindness or if it was more a happiness thing. Then I told myself it’s not very kind to argue with yourself about kindness (I can see how crazy this seems as I write it).  And then I asked myself why are you doing this again… isn’t this about being better to yourself and doing less self judging and scrutinising. It was then that I realised how much of a hard time I give myself wanting to make things “correct”. This was my challenge that I created for myself there were no rules or regulations around what I could and couldn’t do. Kindness was about giving myself a big fat dose of self compassion and allowing things to be imperfect. I needed to put down the big stick that I often beat myself with and embrace my imperfect self with love.

    A little while after posting my last picture for my 30 day challenge it was pointed out to me that I’d spelt “I’m Allowed” incorrectly as “I’m Aloud”. My stomach dropped and I felt sick. And in that moment I had a choice, delete the post, fix it and put it back up or let it be wrong and follow where that sick feeling comes from. And in the true spirit of kindness I let it be wrong and I sat with my feelings of failure because for me it wasn’t just a silly mistake it was decades of not being able to spell. I was taken right back to primary school and being the kid who had to do special Ed and was picked on for not bring able to spell. Spelling is something I’ve struggled with my entire life and talking about my learning difficulties is something that I pretty much never go near. Until this moment I’ve probably never really appreciated just how much shame I’ve attached to this part of myself. Even after being diagnosed with a learning disability I still set the bar really high for myself and would wind up feeling like failure for not being able to meet my unrealistic expectations. I was amazed by how much a spelling mistake brought up for me and just how much I’d supressed for years. As I ran through my experiences in the education system I began to realise how far I’d come and as a smile came over my face I with filled with delight for all my achievements.

    It’s funny how things that happen seemingly by mistake can end up being just what you need. Being able to embrace a shortcoming that has followed me around for years was perhaps the greatest act of kindness I could ever give myself.

    Below is my full list of my 30 day journey…please enjoy

    xx

    day 1

    The most intimate relationship we will have in our entire lifetime is with ourselves. No one hears our hearts the way we do. No one knows our hurts the way we do. We are the sages of our soft spots and our edges. Self-compassion is showing up to that relationship with honesty and with love. – Jamie Ridler

    Day 1 – I’m starting by putting an affirmation up on the mirror that I stand in front of each day when I brush my teeth.

    day 2

    Day 2 – Baking myself my favorite muffins. There’s something so wonderful about baking for the pure joy of it. I’m the first to admit that I’m not the best cook and sometimes I avoid things that I enjoy because there’s a part of me that hates not being good at things. But today I am all smiles for my wonderfully average muffins! 😄

    day 3

    Day 3 – After a long day in the office draining my brains in spreadsheets rather than dragging my feet to my car I’m choosing to give myself a little dose of happiness by getting upside down. Handstands really can boost your mood! Besides the fact that there’s nothing like a bit of childlike fun… getting upside down helps reduce the production of the stress hormone cortisol.

     

     

    day 4

    Day 4 – Change what you can’t accept and accept what you can’t change. Today is a complaint free day. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of regularly complaining about the little things in life that sometimes you don’t even realise it. I’m giving my brain some kindness by keeping it positive and if I do catch myself grumbling I’ll take a moment to try and see things from a different perspective. Oh the raw chocolate coyo also helps

    day 5Day 5 – Taking some time to appreciate how far I’ve come and the awesome things I’ve achieved. One of the things about yoga that I love is how measurable growth is, you notice it in your physical body and you feel it in your mind. I still remember dreading every time a side plank was called out in class. I always had to drop my bottom knee, would shake like nothing else and som…etimes would just come out of the pose early because I didn’t think I could take anymore. I would watch in awe as other girls would lift their top leg and think that I would never get there. It didn’t happen over night but with dedication and time I got there. It serves as a constant reminder to me that with the right amount of time and effort you can take yourself to places you never dreamed possible. Like my yoga practice figuring out what I want to do with my life and finding something that really resonates with me has taken a lot of time, a lot of trial and error and a bucket load of courage but I am so proud of myself for following my passion and completely changing my life this year. Give yourself a little praise today for the awesome things you’ve achieved on your way ✌

    day 6

    Day 6 – With my first exam tomorrow morning right now what I need from myself is to be a little kinder with the expectations I set for myself. The expectations I set for myself are often much higher than what I would ever expect from anyone else. I often don’t take into consideration my circumstances and the bar is forever high. Today I remind myself that I can only ever do my best and my best is a moving scale, it may not be the same from day to day and that is completely fine.

    day 7

    Day 7 – Sunshine is the best medicine! Cat napping in the winter sun. Getting a sensible amount of sunshine is so good for you. Not only because it assists in the synthesis of vitamin D but it also enhances mood and energy through the release of endorphins, has been found to lower blood pressure through the release of nitric oxide and can actually help you sleep better. 🌞

     

    day 8

    Day 8 – Taking a moment for some pre exam meditation on the roof top at uni. Whether you’ve got a regular meditation practice or not; taking a few moments out of each day to slow down, take a few deep beaths and ground yourself; is one of best gifts you can give yourself.

     

     

    day 9

    Day 9 – Bursting with gratitude! Gratitude has the ability to take what you have and make it enough. Today I’m taking some time to be grateful for a few things that I often take for granted. My last exam is all done and dusted and I am so insanely grateful that in a world where not everyone gets access to a basic education I have the opportunity to study something I love. In a… world where there is so much poverty I am grateful that I can come home and simply open the fridge. I a world with so much sickness I am grateful for my health and happy heart. And most of all I am grateful for my amazingly strong and positive mother and brother who every day inspire me to be my best self and I am grateful for the time I had with my brilliant father all the lessons he taught me all the treasured memories bring such a warmth to my heart.

    day 10

    Day 10 – Getting creative with my class planning. It gives me such a buzz getting right into playing with sequencing. Letting your mind run wild without judgment is such a beautiful thing.

    day 11

    Day 11 – How would you define love? And does that safe definition apply to the way you feel about yourself? Last night in the yoga class I taught I read When I began to love myself by Charlie Chaplin in savasana. As I read through the lines, I was reminded of just how powerful self love is. I truly believe that it can change the lenses that you see life through. With that in mi…nd I wanted to write myself a love letter to remind myself just how wonderful I am in my own eyes. It’s pretty nerve racking and kind of uncomfortable to praise yourself in a big way but I’ve committed myself to no half baked love letters so here goes nothing. You can read my love letter to myself here.

    day 12

    Day 12 – Giving myself permission to take a nap. I often feel guilty about having a nap because I think that I have too many other things that I should be doing but that usually means that sooner or later I hit a bit of burnout. So today I acknowledge that there’s always going to be stuff that needs doing but sometimes I just need to look after what I need in the moment and this moment calls for a nap. 💤

    day 13

    Day 13 – Just a few weeds pulled put this morning. For me there’s something so therapeutic about gardening and I actually can’t remember the last time I made time for it. It drops me into a really calm place and as I pull each weed out I am reminded that just as in life if you don’t get right to the roots of the weed you will forever be trying to remove the same weeds over and over again.

    day 14

    Day 14 – Adopting the pace of nature. In nature nothing is rushed and yet everything is still achieved. There are a few people in my life who truly embrace living at a magical pace. I watch them with fascination as they are move mindfully through life never allowing themselves to be rushed even when other people try to make them. I rush a lot in life and always have multiple things on the go and I know living like that adds unnecessary stress to my life and prevents me from being present in each moment. So today I’m just going to take my time with my day and not put pressure on myself to get a super human amount of things done.

     

    day 15Day 15– Allowing myself to be as I am. Today I feel really flat and pretty miserable. Usually whenever I start to feel like this I try to turn it around, I look for things that will take me away from that unwanted feeling that life isn’t as bright as it normally is. I often try and tell myself that losing my father isn’t that bad and remind myself that other people have it far …worse but the reality is that by doing that I’m denying myself the right to grieve. I have every right to feel miserable about losing my father unexpectedly and while yes worse things do happen to other people that doesn’t take away my right to heartache. Today I’m not trying to avoid how I truly feel. I’m giving myself permission to be devastated and allowing myself to feel what I need to feel. I spend so much energy priding myself on staying strong and keeping it together but it’s actually taken so much more courage to allow myself to fall apart and when I worry about how I’m going to put myself back together I remind myself that I have a 100% success rate thus far.

    day 16

    Day 16 – Getting up with the sun and moving to the rhythm of your soul is a truly beautiful thing to do for yourself. I love the stillness and silence of the early morning. There’s a special kind of magic about it. Starting my day with yoga sets the mood for my day; to move through each moment with intention, focus and ease. Whatever the day brings I’m grateful for the magical beginning I gave myself.

    day 17

    Day 17 – Post yoga bubble bath with a little lavender oil, some delicious chocolate and a magical tea. I’m simply floating in my own little bliss bubble tonight. Taking some time out to disconnect in order to reconnect.

    day 18

    Day 18 – Getting help. I have no problem getting professional help when I get physically sick but I’ve been really surprised about how uncomfortable I’ve felt getting professional help to work through everything that’s in my mind lately. I’ve been tormented by all the terrible things I saw in my dad’s last few days of life and still not know how my dad died has been getting har…der not easier to live with, it leaves me questioning everything that happened in the lead up to this passing. I’m only now coming to recognise that what I experienced was truma and today after a week of agonising about getting help I’m finally getting myself the help I need.

    day 19

    Day 19 – Cleaning up and decluttering. How I keep my space is often a reflection of how I’m doing. When my space gets messy my head tends to go the same way or maybe it’s when my head gets messy I let my space get crazy, either way I always feel so much better when I take the time to clean up and declutter a bit. When I’m feeling average cleaning up is usually the last thing I care about but over time I’ve come to appreciate just how much living in a mess affects my head space. It’s a small thing that brings me a lot of calm and peace of mind. Today this messy little human got sorted.

    day 20Day 20 – Discerning what I need. We all face times where we need to choose between what we want and what we need. And then there are those times that want we need isn’t obvious until the universe jumps in and smacks us in the face. In my yoga practice I almost always want a strong yang class; I love being pushed to my edge and working really hard. It wasn’t until a class this …week where I pulled up extremely sore that I realised just how much I demand from myself in my practice. It’s a true reflection of how I treat myself off the mat; always expecting myself to give and be more than is reasonable. Over the last two days I’ve sort out classes that encourage me to slow down, land whole heartedly in poses and bring kindness into my practice. I observe every day how people’s behavior on their mat translates into how they live their lives but only today did I really appreciate my own way of being. Without beating up on myself I simply offer myself a new way and embrace the things I need.

    day 21

    Day 21 – Making time for a little fun and a bucket load of laughs. When did you last make time for fun. It’s easy to lose that child like sense of joy, freedom and enthusiasm. It’s easy to make excuses about being too busy for such nonsense but when you think you don’t have the time that’s usually when you need fun the most. This dose of silly fun was well overdue.

    day 22

    Day 22 – Post float bliss. Feeling all sorts of wonderful after 1 hour of floating in the aptly named dream tank at Elevation Floatation. With no external stimuli and the buoyant magic of epsom salt you drift into your parasympathetic nervous system lowering your production of adrenaline and cortisol. Taking an hour out of my day to let all the background noise fade away and just be at ease has been the perfect medicine.

    day 23

    Day 23 – Sometimes you just need to get right out of town and create your own adventure. Taking myself on a little road trip up the coast just because I can. I’m super excited to retrace a trip I took maybe times as I child and have not been on for over 20 years. Today I’m taking myself where my soul wants to go 👣

    day 24

    Day 24 – Staying active. Morning walks on the beach are such a treat for me, living far away from the sea I relish in the opportunity to stroll by the crashing waves. There is so much research showing that not getting enough exercise is detrimental to our physical and mental health. Our bodies are designed to move, in fact they love to move and sometimes it’s just a matter of f…inding the style of movement that resonates with you the most. Whether you run, walk, swim, do yoga, hit the gym, play a team sport or do your own awesome form of movement it’s important that it’s a regular thing. There should never be not enough time for your health. Love your body and live well.

    day 25

    Day 25 – Shinrin-Yoku is a Japanese term that means taking in the forest atmosphere or forest bathing. It’s an amazing form of therapy to wander around in nature and really take it in. So simple yet so calming and rejuvenating.
    You know what they say the best things in life are free 😉🌳

    day 26

    Day 26 – Making time for something that I love. Wandering around the Paddington Markets. I love nothing more than aimlessly wondering around a market looking at anything and everything.

    day 27

    Day 27 – Being real about how I feel and what I want. I often shy away from communicating how I really feel and what I want but today I’m keeping it real.

    day 28

    Day 28 – Leaning on my besties shoulder. Because we all need somebody to lean on and I couldn’t do it without all the amazing people in my life who hold the space for me and are always there to see me through to sunny days. To all the amazing people who’ve done big and small things to support me thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    day 29

    Day 29 – what a way to welcome in spring with a morning run along and a whole new look with my new short hair! Spring is the season for change and new growth. We often make ourselves suffer by wishing for realities other than our own or being unwilling to accept change. I cut my crazy long hair for two reasons one because I’d been thing about it for ages and decided that I shou…ldn’t waste anymore time worrying about missing my long hair and two because every time I see myself in the mirror I am reminded that my life doesn’t look the same anymore but the new normal can still be wonderful just different. Take risks, make changes, do the things you’ve always wanted to do because life won’t wait for you to be ready. In fact I think you never really are ready! ✌

    day 30
    Day 30 – Simple yet powerful words from the amazing Emeli Paulo from collective potential. Give yourself permission to be who you are and to go after your dreams! Yes that’s right give yourself permission to let go of all the things that hold you back from being real! Say it out load! I’m aloud! How often do you tell yourself no, hold back from expressing your true feelings be…cause of fear or make choices based on other people’s expectations! Today as a look back over my 30 days I know the kindest thing I can do for myself is to simply own who I am and give myself permission to live from my heart.

    I’m aloud to be messy and complicated, I’m aloud to be uncertain and lost, I’m aloud to cry uncontrollably, I’m aloud to need help, I’m aloud to excel and shine, I’m aloud to be different and unconventional, I’m aloud to speak my truth, I’m aloud to put my needs first and I’m aloud to take my time

  • Self Love Letter

    Self Love Letter

    wpid-img_20150814_072310-1.jpg

    How would you define love?

    Does that definition apply to the way you feel about yourself?

    Last night in the yoga class I taught I read When I began to love myself by Charlie Chaplin in savasana. If you’ve never read it before do yourself a favour and click on the link. As I read through the lines, I was reminded of just how powerful self love is. I truly believe that it can change the lenses that you see life through. With that in mind I wanted to write myself a love letter to remind myself just how wonderful I am in my own eyes. It’s pretty nerve racking and kind of uncomfortable to praise yourself in a big way but I’ve committed myself to no half baked love letters so here goes nothing.

    To my darling beautiful Clare,

    I want you to know how insanely proud of you I am. I have seen you grow and flourish so much over the past few years. What I admire about you most is your ability to forgive yourself with kindness for the mistakes and blunders of the past and from that place of kindness you have been able to take in and learn so vey much.

    It hasn’t always been easy and I know that you have faced some very dark times but watching you emerge from each period of darkness has been specular. The light and ease with which you move through life is testament to the battles you have fought and the darkness you have known.

    I often marvel at the way you dream so big. You’ve never been one to timidly step through life, you’ve always bounded in to ideas with a full open heart. I love your ability to see everything as an adventure. That sense of adventure had allowed you to do so many big things in your life without ever thinking twice; trekking mountains, volunteering in foreign countries, running marathons, jumping out of planes, floating in hot air balloons and completely changing your career in your late 20’s. You are an inspiration and your love of life in infectious.

    I know that sometimes you don’t see the beauty in your face, the kindness in your eyes, the magic in your smile or the brilliance of your body but please know that you are more wonderful than you could ever imagine.

    While there’s still so much to be learnt in your amazing journey know that where you are right here and now is phenomenal. You have come such a long way and made so many brave constructive changes in your life so again please know just how proud you I am.

    Keep smiling, keep laughing, keep lighting up the world with your beautiful soul.

    I love you forever and always.

    Clare

    xx