Rambling Yogi

Tag: happiness

  • The Puzzle of Life

    The Puzzle of Life

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    One night I woke up at 2am struck with an idea about life and how it all fits together. Being only half awake I wasn’t sure if it was brilliant or just pain silly but I wrote it down all the same and drifted off back to sleep. In the morning I came back to it and started testing it for flaws and to my delight it held up pretty well. That was several months ago and since then what have I done with this idea? Pretty much nothing! I’ve just sat on it.

    Why have I not shared what I originally through was a pretty damn good idea? Well I still thought it was a good idea, that hadn’t changed but I was making excuses that pushed it back. I was telling myself that I was saving it for a really good blog post and that I didn’t want to write it until I had the time to do it justice but on reflection I think I was just afraid of putting it out there.

    So what prompted me to share now. Last Friday night I went to an awesome workshop run by InsideOut, at the start of the workshop founder Campbell Butterss shared this vision of how life can get small and messy. I thought it was brilliant and I also saw a lot of my own vision in his. That was the start of stepping towards sharing. Later in the workshop one of the facilitators Miroslav Petrovic took me to a place where I had to sit with and breath through the story I regularly tell myself about not being good enough. To sit with all the harsh expectations I put on myself and to breathe into the emotions and the tightness in my chest was invaluable for me. In going into the feelings behind the story I was able to loosen its grip and step through a place of fear.

    After my three paragraph introduction it might seem like what I’ve got to share is pretty huge. The truth is it isn’t really that profound, but I wanted to be real about how much I’d built it up to be a big deal in my head in the hope that people are inspired to share their struggles and break through their fear. And maybe just maybe the journey of sharing holds a bigger message than my idea ever did.

    Now finally to this idea about life; so I was looking for a way to explain how I’d experienced figuring out who I am at my core and how I had detangled a lot of the rubbish that blocked me from knowing my true self. This is how I see it:

    When you’re born you have a few key puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly and that’s who you are in your truest purist form. As you go through life and have experiences you begin to pick up new puzzle pieces. Some of these pieces belong to you; fitting well with your original puzzle pieces and others really aren’t your puzzle pieces at all, they’re often pieces that others have pushed on you and led you to believe are part of who you are. These puzzle pieces that don’t belong begin to cause a lot of problems. You see we’re always trying to complete our puzzles and when something doesn’t fit what do we do? We pull apart the whole puzzle and try and make it work thinking that maybe there was something wrong in the core puzzle and if we do a little rearranging we should be able to make it work. There in lies the mess.

    Over the years we can collect so much rubbish along with our true stuff that it can turn into one big fat epic mess. While some lucky humans naturally get better at discerning what’s theirs most of us get to some point where we end up questioning why we’re unhappy, unfulfilled and struggling with elements of our lives.

    So then how do you then begin to sort out what pieces you need in your puzzle and what pieces just make life harder. Let me start by saying brilliant puzzles take time and dedication there’s no quick and easy fix but it can definitely be worked through. It becomes a matter of figuring out when you picked up certain puzzle pieces then deciding what needs to stay and what needs to go. When that puzzle gets a little less messy and you begin to really be able to see who you are, let me just say that life gets awesome!

    For me journaling, reading all sorts of self help books, my yoga teacher training and working with some psychologists really helped to trace back to when I started having certain limiting beliefs about myself and forming certain views of the world. I think this process of building the picture of who we are is always a work in progress and it’s evolving nature is part of the magic of life.

    If the puzzle was perfect and finished what more would there be to do.

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    Enjoy the journey, laugh at the confusion, breathe into the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.

    xx

  • 30 Days of Kindness – my journey

    30 Days of Kindness – my journey

    The biggest thing that came out of me doing my 30 day kindness challenge was probably the change in how I define kindness. When I set out to do my 30 day challenge I wrote out a list of nice things I could do for myself which included things like massages, flowers, yoga and other self care bits and bobs. And that was really how I was defining kindness; nice things that I could do for myself.

    I didn’t want to completely plan what I would do each day because I wanted each day to be about what I needed on that day. I started by picking random things off the list but after a few days the list went out the door and each morning I would simply ask myself what do you need today? And with that question each day my understanding of kindness evolved.

    One morning I found myself deliberating over if something was an act of kindness or if it was more a happiness thing. Then I told myself it’s not very kind to argue with yourself about kindness (I can see how crazy this seems as I write it).  And then I asked myself why are you doing this again… isn’t this about being better to yourself and doing less self judging and scrutinising. It was then that I realised how much of a hard time I give myself wanting to make things “correct”. This was my challenge that I created for myself there were no rules or regulations around what I could and couldn’t do. Kindness was about giving myself a big fat dose of self compassion and allowing things to be imperfect. I needed to put down the big stick that I often beat myself with and embrace my imperfect self with love.

    A little while after posting my last picture for my 30 day challenge it was pointed out to me that I’d spelt “I’m Allowed” incorrectly as “I’m Aloud”. My stomach dropped and I felt sick. And in that moment I had a choice, delete the post, fix it and put it back up or let it be wrong and follow where that sick feeling comes from. And in the true spirit of kindness I let it be wrong and I sat with my feelings of failure because for me it wasn’t just a silly mistake it was decades of not being able to spell. I was taken right back to primary school and being the kid who had to do special Ed and was picked on for not bring able to spell. Spelling is something I’ve struggled with my entire life and talking about my learning difficulties is something that I pretty much never go near. Until this moment I’ve probably never really appreciated just how much shame I’ve attached to this part of myself. Even after being diagnosed with a learning disability I still set the bar really high for myself and would wind up feeling like failure for not being able to meet my unrealistic expectations. I was amazed by how much a spelling mistake brought up for me and just how much I’d supressed for years. As I ran through my experiences in the education system I began to realise how far I’d come and as a smile came over my face I with filled with delight for all my achievements.

    It’s funny how things that happen seemingly by mistake can end up being just what you need. Being able to embrace a shortcoming that has followed me around for years was perhaps the greatest act of kindness I could ever give myself.

    Below is my full list of my 30 day journey…please enjoy

    xx

    day 1

    The most intimate relationship we will have in our entire lifetime is with ourselves. No one hears our hearts the way we do. No one knows our hurts the way we do. We are the sages of our soft spots and our edges. Self-compassion is showing up to that relationship with honesty and with love. – Jamie Ridler

    Day 1 – I’m starting by putting an affirmation up on the mirror that I stand in front of each day when I brush my teeth.

    day 2

    Day 2 – Baking myself my favorite muffins. There’s something so wonderful about baking for the pure joy of it. I’m the first to admit that I’m not the best cook and sometimes I avoid things that I enjoy because there’s a part of me that hates not being good at things. But today I am all smiles for my wonderfully average muffins! 😄

    day 3

    Day 3 – After a long day in the office draining my brains in spreadsheets rather than dragging my feet to my car I’m choosing to give myself a little dose of happiness by getting upside down. Handstands really can boost your mood! Besides the fact that there’s nothing like a bit of childlike fun… getting upside down helps reduce the production of the stress hormone cortisol.

     

     

    day 4

    Day 4 – Change what you can’t accept and accept what you can’t change. Today is a complaint free day. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of regularly complaining about the little things in life that sometimes you don’t even realise it. I’m giving my brain some kindness by keeping it positive and if I do catch myself grumbling I’ll take a moment to try and see things from a different perspective. Oh the raw chocolate coyo also helps

    day 5Day 5 – Taking some time to appreciate how far I’ve come and the awesome things I’ve achieved. One of the things about yoga that I love is how measurable growth is, you notice it in your physical body and you feel it in your mind. I still remember dreading every time a side plank was called out in class. I always had to drop my bottom knee, would shake like nothing else and som…etimes would just come out of the pose early because I didn’t think I could take anymore. I would watch in awe as other girls would lift their top leg and think that I would never get there. It didn’t happen over night but with dedication and time I got there. It serves as a constant reminder to me that with the right amount of time and effort you can take yourself to places you never dreamed possible. Like my yoga practice figuring out what I want to do with my life and finding something that really resonates with me has taken a lot of time, a lot of trial and error and a bucket load of courage but I am so proud of myself for following my passion and completely changing my life this year. Give yourself a little praise today for the awesome things you’ve achieved on your way ✌

    day 6

    Day 6 – With my first exam tomorrow morning right now what I need from myself is to be a little kinder with the expectations I set for myself. The expectations I set for myself are often much higher than what I would ever expect from anyone else. I often don’t take into consideration my circumstances and the bar is forever high. Today I remind myself that I can only ever do my best and my best is a moving scale, it may not be the same from day to day and that is completely fine.

    day 7

    Day 7 – Sunshine is the best medicine! Cat napping in the winter sun. Getting a sensible amount of sunshine is so good for you. Not only because it assists in the synthesis of vitamin D but it also enhances mood and energy through the release of endorphins, has been found to lower blood pressure through the release of nitric oxide and can actually help you sleep better. 🌞

     

    day 8

    Day 8 – Taking a moment for some pre exam meditation on the roof top at uni. Whether you’ve got a regular meditation practice or not; taking a few moments out of each day to slow down, take a few deep beaths and ground yourself; is one of best gifts you can give yourself.

     

     

    day 9

    Day 9 – Bursting with gratitude! Gratitude has the ability to take what you have and make it enough. Today I’m taking some time to be grateful for a few things that I often take for granted. My last exam is all done and dusted and I am so insanely grateful that in a world where not everyone gets access to a basic education I have the opportunity to study something I love. In a… world where there is so much poverty I am grateful that I can come home and simply open the fridge. I a world with so much sickness I am grateful for my health and happy heart. And most of all I am grateful for my amazingly strong and positive mother and brother who every day inspire me to be my best self and I am grateful for the time I had with my brilliant father all the lessons he taught me all the treasured memories bring such a warmth to my heart.

    day 10

    Day 10 – Getting creative with my class planning. It gives me such a buzz getting right into playing with sequencing. Letting your mind run wild without judgment is such a beautiful thing.

    day 11

    Day 11 – How would you define love? And does that safe definition apply to the way you feel about yourself? Last night in the yoga class I taught I read When I began to love myself by Charlie Chaplin in savasana. As I read through the lines, I was reminded of just how powerful self love is. I truly believe that it can change the lenses that you see life through. With that in mi…nd I wanted to write myself a love letter to remind myself just how wonderful I am in my own eyes. It’s pretty nerve racking and kind of uncomfortable to praise yourself in a big way but I’ve committed myself to no half baked love letters so here goes nothing. You can read my love letter to myself here.

    day 12

    Day 12 – Giving myself permission to take a nap. I often feel guilty about having a nap because I think that I have too many other things that I should be doing but that usually means that sooner or later I hit a bit of burnout. So today I acknowledge that there’s always going to be stuff that needs doing but sometimes I just need to look after what I need in the moment and this moment calls for a nap. 💤

    day 13

    Day 13 – Just a few weeds pulled put this morning. For me there’s something so therapeutic about gardening and I actually can’t remember the last time I made time for it. It drops me into a really calm place and as I pull each weed out I am reminded that just as in life if you don’t get right to the roots of the weed you will forever be trying to remove the same weeds over and over again.

    day 14

    Day 14 – Adopting the pace of nature. In nature nothing is rushed and yet everything is still achieved. There are a few people in my life who truly embrace living at a magical pace. I watch them with fascination as they are move mindfully through life never allowing themselves to be rushed even when other people try to make them. I rush a lot in life and always have multiple things on the go and I know living like that adds unnecessary stress to my life and prevents me from being present in each moment. So today I’m just going to take my time with my day and not put pressure on myself to get a super human amount of things done.

     

    day 15Day 15– Allowing myself to be as I am. Today I feel really flat and pretty miserable. Usually whenever I start to feel like this I try to turn it around, I look for things that will take me away from that unwanted feeling that life isn’t as bright as it normally is. I often try and tell myself that losing my father isn’t that bad and remind myself that other people have it far …worse but the reality is that by doing that I’m denying myself the right to grieve. I have every right to feel miserable about losing my father unexpectedly and while yes worse things do happen to other people that doesn’t take away my right to heartache. Today I’m not trying to avoid how I truly feel. I’m giving myself permission to be devastated and allowing myself to feel what I need to feel. I spend so much energy priding myself on staying strong and keeping it together but it’s actually taken so much more courage to allow myself to fall apart and when I worry about how I’m going to put myself back together I remind myself that I have a 100% success rate thus far.

    day 16

    Day 16 – Getting up with the sun and moving to the rhythm of your soul is a truly beautiful thing to do for yourself. I love the stillness and silence of the early morning. There’s a special kind of magic about it. Starting my day with yoga sets the mood for my day; to move through each moment with intention, focus and ease. Whatever the day brings I’m grateful for the magical beginning I gave myself.

    day 17

    Day 17 – Post yoga bubble bath with a little lavender oil, some delicious chocolate and a magical tea. I’m simply floating in my own little bliss bubble tonight. Taking some time out to disconnect in order to reconnect.

    day 18

    Day 18 – Getting help. I have no problem getting professional help when I get physically sick but I’ve been really surprised about how uncomfortable I’ve felt getting professional help to work through everything that’s in my mind lately. I’ve been tormented by all the terrible things I saw in my dad’s last few days of life and still not know how my dad died has been getting har…der not easier to live with, it leaves me questioning everything that happened in the lead up to this passing. I’m only now coming to recognise that what I experienced was truma and today after a week of agonising about getting help I’m finally getting myself the help I need.

    day 19

    Day 19 – Cleaning up and decluttering. How I keep my space is often a reflection of how I’m doing. When my space gets messy my head tends to go the same way or maybe it’s when my head gets messy I let my space get crazy, either way I always feel so much better when I take the time to clean up and declutter a bit. When I’m feeling average cleaning up is usually the last thing I care about but over time I’ve come to appreciate just how much living in a mess affects my head space. It’s a small thing that brings me a lot of calm and peace of mind. Today this messy little human got sorted.

    day 20Day 20 – Discerning what I need. We all face times where we need to choose between what we want and what we need. And then there are those times that want we need isn’t obvious until the universe jumps in and smacks us in the face. In my yoga practice I almost always want a strong yang class; I love being pushed to my edge and working really hard. It wasn’t until a class this …week where I pulled up extremely sore that I realised just how much I demand from myself in my practice. It’s a true reflection of how I treat myself off the mat; always expecting myself to give and be more than is reasonable. Over the last two days I’ve sort out classes that encourage me to slow down, land whole heartedly in poses and bring kindness into my practice. I observe every day how people’s behavior on their mat translates into how they live their lives but only today did I really appreciate my own way of being. Without beating up on myself I simply offer myself a new way and embrace the things I need.

    day 21

    Day 21 – Making time for a little fun and a bucket load of laughs. When did you last make time for fun. It’s easy to lose that child like sense of joy, freedom and enthusiasm. It’s easy to make excuses about being too busy for such nonsense but when you think you don’t have the time that’s usually when you need fun the most. This dose of silly fun was well overdue.

    day 22

    Day 22 – Post float bliss. Feeling all sorts of wonderful after 1 hour of floating in the aptly named dream tank at Elevation Floatation. With no external stimuli and the buoyant magic of epsom salt you drift into your parasympathetic nervous system lowering your production of adrenaline and cortisol. Taking an hour out of my day to let all the background noise fade away and just be at ease has been the perfect medicine.

    day 23

    Day 23 – Sometimes you just need to get right out of town and create your own adventure. Taking myself on a little road trip up the coast just because I can. I’m super excited to retrace a trip I took maybe times as I child and have not been on for over 20 years. Today I’m taking myself where my soul wants to go 👣

    day 24

    Day 24 – Staying active. Morning walks on the beach are such a treat for me, living far away from the sea I relish in the opportunity to stroll by the crashing waves. There is so much research showing that not getting enough exercise is detrimental to our physical and mental health. Our bodies are designed to move, in fact they love to move and sometimes it’s just a matter of f…inding the style of movement that resonates with you the most. Whether you run, walk, swim, do yoga, hit the gym, play a team sport or do your own awesome form of movement it’s important that it’s a regular thing. There should never be not enough time for your health. Love your body and live well.

    day 25

    Day 25 – Shinrin-Yoku is a Japanese term that means taking in the forest atmosphere or forest bathing. It’s an amazing form of therapy to wander around in nature and really take it in. So simple yet so calming and rejuvenating.
    You know what they say the best things in life are free 😉🌳

    day 26

    Day 26 – Making time for something that I love. Wandering around the Paddington Markets. I love nothing more than aimlessly wondering around a market looking at anything and everything.

    day 27

    Day 27 – Being real about how I feel and what I want. I often shy away from communicating how I really feel and what I want but today I’m keeping it real.

    day 28

    Day 28 – Leaning on my besties shoulder. Because we all need somebody to lean on and I couldn’t do it without all the amazing people in my life who hold the space for me and are always there to see me through to sunny days. To all the amazing people who’ve done big and small things to support me thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    day 29

    Day 29 – what a way to welcome in spring with a morning run along and a whole new look with my new short hair! Spring is the season for change and new growth. We often make ourselves suffer by wishing for realities other than our own or being unwilling to accept change. I cut my crazy long hair for two reasons one because I’d been thing about it for ages and decided that I shou…ldn’t waste anymore time worrying about missing my long hair and two because every time I see myself in the mirror I am reminded that my life doesn’t look the same anymore but the new normal can still be wonderful just different. Take risks, make changes, do the things you’ve always wanted to do because life won’t wait for you to be ready. In fact I think you never really are ready! ✌

    day 30
    Day 30 – Simple yet powerful words from the amazing Emeli Paulo from collective potential. Give yourself permission to be who you are and to go after your dreams! Yes that’s right give yourself permission to let go of all the things that hold you back from being real! Say it out load! I’m aloud! How often do you tell yourself no, hold back from expressing your true feelings be…cause of fear or make choices based on other people’s expectations! Today as a look back over my 30 days I know the kindest thing I can do for myself is to simply own who I am and give myself permission to live from my heart.

    I’m aloud to be messy and complicated, I’m aloud to be uncertain and lost, I’m aloud to cry uncontrollably, I’m aloud to need help, I’m aloud to excel and shine, I’m aloud to be different and unconventional, I’m aloud to speak my truth, I’m aloud to put my needs first and I’m aloud to take my time

  • Self Love Letter

    Self Love Letter

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    How would you define love?

    Does that definition apply to the way you feel about yourself?

    Last night in the yoga class I taught I read When I began to love myself by Charlie Chaplin in savasana. If you’ve never read it before do yourself a favour and click on the link. As I read through the lines, I was reminded of just how powerful self love is. I truly believe that it can change the lenses that you see life through. With that in mind I wanted to write myself a love letter to remind myself just how wonderful I am in my own eyes. It’s pretty nerve racking and kind of uncomfortable to praise yourself in a big way but I’ve committed myself to no half baked love letters so here goes nothing.

    To my darling beautiful Clare,

    I want you to know how insanely proud of you I am. I have seen you grow and flourish so much over the past few years. What I admire about you most is your ability to forgive yourself with kindness for the mistakes and blunders of the past and from that place of kindness you have been able to take in and learn so vey much.

    It hasn’t always been easy and I know that you have faced some very dark times but watching you emerge from each period of darkness has been specular. The light and ease with which you move through life is testament to the battles you have fought and the darkness you have known.

    I often marvel at the way you dream so big. You’ve never been one to timidly step through life, you’ve always bounded in to ideas with a full open heart. I love your ability to see everything as an adventure. That sense of adventure had allowed you to do so many big things in your life without ever thinking twice; trekking mountains, volunteering in foreign countries, running marathons, jumping out of planes, floating in hot air balloons and completely changing your career in your late 20’s. You are an inspiration and your love of life in infectious.

    I know that sometimes you don’t see the beauty in your face, the kindness in your eyes, the magic in your smile or the brilliance of your body but please know that you are more wonderful than you could ever imagine.

    While there’s still so much to be learnt in your amazing journey know that where you are right here and now is phenomenal. You have come such a long way and made so many brave constructive changes in your life so again please know just how proud you I am.

    Keep smiling, keep laughing, keep lighting up the world with your beautiful soul.

    I love you forever and always.

    Clare

    xx

  • 30 Days of Kindness

    30 Days of Kindness

    Last night I went to an amazing workshop on authenticity run by the simply brilliant Emeli Paulo from Collective Potential. If you’ve never heard of Collective Potential do yourself a favour and check them out. At the start of the workshop we were asked to turn to a stranger and tell them what brought us to the workshop. For me I had started to feel like the authenticity that I had once lived my life with was beginning to fade and I wanted to turn that around.

    I have to admit I was kind of expecting to be lectured about what authenticity is and given steps to living an authentic life. I was so glad that it was nothing like that. It was super interactive and required everyone to talk about their truth; to share their values, their fears, their dreams, their story. It was simply stunning to see how contagious bravery can be. One person gets up and says or does something inspiring and next thing you know some on the other side of the room has something to contribute too.

    The most magical part of the night for me came near the end when I found my truth in someone else’s story. A lady was sharing with the group that she felt like she needed to let go of grief for the loss of her mother. As she spoke I realised how much I had not let myself grieve for the loss of my father. It had been a month since I’d lost my father unexpectedly and I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve let myself really cry. For decades to me strong has meant putting on a brave face and getting on with things. It has only been in the last year or so that I’ve begun to see the strength in vulnerability. Not giving myself the time and space to sit with my pain and feel what I need to feel was a big part of why I felt like I wasn’t living a very authentic life.

    An idea that really resonated with me about authenticity is that it is about being real not perfect. So how do I get myself to be more real…I knew the answer before I even asked the question. I knew I needed to be kinder to myself, I knew needed to stop expecting so much from myself and I knew I needed to nurture the most important relationship I have, the one I have with myself.

    At the end of the workshop we were asked to set ourselves a challenge for the next 30 days. It was to be something that we could do each day that would allow us to become more authentic.  Straight away I knew that I wanted to set myself a 30 day kindness challenge. To each day do one kind thing for myself.

    I’m starting today by putting an affirmation on the mirror that I stand in front of each day when I brush my teeth.

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    You can follow my 30 days of kindness on my instagram @ckve and use the hash tag #30daysofkindness to share your own little bits of kindness that you give yourself. At the end of my 30 days I’ll post a list of the things that I do for myself.

    Love and Blessings

    xx

  • How much love do you have for yourself

    How much love do you have for yourself

    wpid-70237ad5e9a014dbe3e2ee8249f910dc.jpgHow fiercely have you loved in your life? What would you do for love? Would you move heaven and earth to look after your beloved? Does that same love apply to how you feel about yourself?  What happens when you love your partner more than you love yourself?

    I can’t speak for every situation but I can certainly speak for myself. Those who knew me many moons ago may say that they actually couldn’t imagine me loving anyone else more than I love myself. I used to walk around with a certain self confidence and arrogance that I’m sure left some people thinking that I was pretty damn happy with myself, or at least that’s what I wanted people to think. I had no real concept of how little love I had for myself. At that stage in life self love was something I didn’t understand….sure I had heard the saying you need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else but I never stopped to consider that my behaviour and emotions had little to do with actual circumstances and a lot to do with how I felt about myself.

    We all remember the line for Jerry Mcguire “you complete me”. When I wasn’t good with myself and found myself in that happy honey moon phase I did start to think that all these gaps in my life are getting filled by this amazing human. I remember feeling better about myself from being with him. I was a nicer person to be around and my life made more sense to me. And all of that would have been fine if I was coming from a good place but the problem with thinking like that when you’re not good with yourself is that it creates dependence and attachment. When you start needing you partner to be  for you what you should be for yourself it can get very ugly.

    I started to look to him for my happiness all the time and over time I needed him to be more and more for me. My identity became his girlfriend there wasn’t much that I ever did for me. I completely willingly lost my sense of self. All the things I do for myself now; running, yoga, meditation, massages and other pampering just slowly stopped happening. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want me to do these things, he even bought me a yoga mat and dvd to help encourge me back into yoga (funny how the universe has this way of throwing you little clues about where you should be). But the more dependant I got the more I lost my confidence, I wouldn’t even go to a yoga class, I’d think about it all the time and then get to so stressed and anxious about going on my own that I’d just drop the whole idea.

    Feeling stressed and anxious by the smallest things was nothing new for me at that time, it was something that I had struggled with for years and had often managed to hide from people by avoiding situations or getting defensive and picking fights with people to mask my discomfort. As time went on and my neediness got worse I probably hit my all time worst random anxiety moment, we were going to hire bikes to go for ride and it started happening I couldn’t even tell you exactly what set me off but part of my brain just started to say no don’t do this and rather than being honest (people who don’t love themselves aren’t very big on honesty or vulnerability) and explaining what was going on in my head I decided to start a fight at the bike hire place and declared that I didn’t want to go riding anymore like a small child would, initially he was calm asking what do you mean….this is going to be fun…you were looking forward to this. That was until he realised that he was talking to a little brick wall that had made up her mind and would not listen to sense and he simply told me to stop it and turn away from me and then it was water works. Crying in the middle of this shop and not even knowing why I was so upset was scary, I could see how much I was frustrating him but I still couldn’t bring myself to be honest. Being honest with him meant being honest with myself and admitting that it was a problem that I needed to deal with.

    I think back to one conversation we had a few months out from us going our separate ways a lot. I think about it a lot because my response and in action baffles me. We were both in tears, things were just not working and he said to me I just can’t make you happy, everything I do is not enough and my response was I can’t make me happy too. It blows my mind that my only response would be “me too” and that after that conversation I did not change one solitary thing, I just put my head in the sand and let it get worse.

    When this particular relationship ended a good friend a good friend gave me the relationship advice I have ever been given he told me to spend some time on my own and mend my relationship with myself. Mending my relationship with myself has been the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself.

  • Finding freedom

    Finding freedom

    I’ve been home from my yoga teacher training for a little over two months now and I’d like to take the chance to talk about the struggles I’ve faced since coming home. Talking about tough times isn’t something I’m comfortable with, but I’ve come to recognise how very important it is. I’ve found that there’s a certain freedom and strength in vulnerability that I never imagined existed.

    I’d always thought that being strong meant putting on a brave face and holding things together when times got tough. It’s how I was brought up and it’s how I have lived most of my life. It wasn’t until I went to my yoga teacher training that I was exposed to the idea that maybe being strong is actually about dropping the mask and being vulnerable. It takes a great deal of courage to own your story and tell your truth.

    Being around such a loving, supportive and open group of people I found it surprisingly easy to drop the mask and be real. For the first time in my life I was openly talking about all the ugly parts of my life without any fear. I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling the whole truth, talking about the things that brought shame, the things that have really hurt and the problems I’ve come up against time and time again. Talking so openly and honestly allowed me to detach from a lot of the emotions that I had connected to certain experiences. I began to heal from things that I didn’t even realise had wounded me. I was able to let go of so much and experienced a freedom I’ve never known before.

    I still remember one afternoon after lunch I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I actually had to stop and stare at myself properly to really take in what I was seeing. In all my life I have never before seen myself look so well and truly happy.

    My amazing teacher Alicia had warned us all that the real yoga starts when you go home. It’s easy to practice yoga and let go of negative behaviours when you’re in such a special bubble, coming home and bring it into real life now that’s the challenge. In fact it’s bloody hard! You’re continually challenged by the environment, people and situations.

    I was initially very nervous about coming home, my job is high stress and big hours, I burn out regularly from taking on too much and my dad who is in remission for a battle with lung cancer has taken to occasionally smoking making my home life a pretty hostile place it be. Nervous is probably an understatement. I was kind of dreading coming home!

    I tried to plan how I would make things work when I got home, I made little rules for myself like no more eating lunch at my desk and working overtime all the time, slowing down and making sure I have a few nights a week just for me and keeping up calming rituals like dry brushing, mindful eating and meditation.

    On my first day back at work one of my colleague said to me “how’s the real world treating you…a little too real?” She could not have been more spot on! The real world was definitely a little too real. I spent the first week crying myself to sleep and waking up wishing I was back in Bali. I’d broken every one of my rules at least once. So much of my life, if not all of my life felt like it didn’t fit anymore.

    Change was the spice of my life. A significant relationship had ended, my boss had left while I was away (essentially doubling my workload) and I had been through a major personal change. For the first few weeks I kept telling myself it’s reverse culture shock, just breathe through it, you’ll be ok, change isn’t easy. I tried to keep up my meditation and asana practice and I kept coming back to the philosophy that had seen me through tough times before. There were times when my efforts worked and things would be okay but mainly things were not okay. I was overwhelmed by my life and starting to slip into a pretty depressed space.

    Then the old Clare came back out to bat; the one who believes that being strong means pulling it together. And the self talk started, what is wrong with you, you have so much to be grateful for, stop being an emotional crazy! I decided in my divine wisdom that what I needed was to start teaching. Yes Clare, take on more when you’re already not coping with life.

    I was putting on my everything is fine, I’m happy little yogi mask each day and each night I’d fall to pieces. The week after I taught my first classes I had lunch with a friend and when he asked me how my week had been I just burst into tears, I couldn’t even talk about it, I wasn’t even happy that I’d just organised and taught two of my own classes. I was exhausted and drowning in my own mess. I’d taken on so much in a bid to make things better and keep moving towards what I wanted that I couldn’t even breathe anymore. That lunch was one of a few turning points; I was in such a mess that I just couldn’t pretend to be okay anymore. I spoke honestly about how miserable I’d been feeling and I walked away feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. There was no great advice given in that conversation, I just felt like I had a compassionate ear that really heard me. He held the mirror up for me, provided a circuit breaker and allowed me to stop and really look at myself honestly.

    Things started to feel a little better from there but I was still very all over the place with everything. I knew that I didn’t want to be in my full time job anymore, but even the thought of leaving made me feel guilty. With my boss gone there was now more dependence on me than ever. Just thinking about the hole I will leave and the strain it will put on my already overworked colleagues was making me feel sick and stressed.

    Then another conversation came. While chatting to a close girlfriend she asked how all my yoga stuff was going, for a moment I wanted to give her my usual it’s great lie. But instead I stopped took a few breathes and made a decision to be real, responding with not so great. From those three words I went on to talk about everything: moving on from the break up, worrying too much about leaving my job, putting myself first, burning out and the courage it takes to turn your life on its head. The honesty in that conversation unburdened me from a lot of the worries I’d been carrying around.

    From there I went back to my notes from teacher training with a new resolve to turn things around. While going through notes and reflecting on the journey I had been on being home it became very apparent just how significant opening up and being vulnerable had been. I went back to a TED talk that we had watched at Teacher Training from Brene Brown on vulnerability. Everything started to click even more, the key to finding the freedom I had known at Teacher Training was in the behaviour I had changed as soon as I go home. As soon as I got home I put the walls up again and attached a sense of shame to my struggles.

    Shame is a nasty pasty! It has this way of making you feel like you can’t share because of the negative judgement you will face. When we hide parts of ourselves in shame from those that would listen with compassion we create a disconnection. And I tell you now, from what I’ve read and my own personal experience it is so beyond important for people to have a sense of connection with other people. Sharing and being vulnerable creates connection between people which then leads to a sense of love and belonging.

    Things have turned around a lot since that realisation, there’s been no great change in my actual situation, my life is what it is but I feel like I could climb Everest! People have been telling me that I’m glowing. Through embracing and sharing who I am and where I’m at, I’ve found a strength and freedom that still blows my mind a little. Vulnerability is something that I’m still not completely comfortable with and I know there will be times that I fall back into old habits but I accept that I am imperfect and I love myself wholeheartedly.

    It is my hope that through speaking honestly in this post and in many more to come I can inspire others to also speak their truth, owns their story and to not attach shame to any part of their lives. I’d like to send a bit of extra love out to anyone struggling with anything at the moment, my heart goes out to you, keep going beautiful souls.

    Love, Blessings & Kindness

    Namaste

    xx
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